


frenemesis and the scriptwriter-inator

by shamewithtwolegs



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), Mute Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-14 20:02:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29301600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shamewithtwolegs/pseuds/shamewithtwolegs
Summary: SEXY REFUGEE #1Oh! Oh! I think I’m gonna faint he’s just so – so -SEXY REFUGEE #2Handsome (swoons)SEXY REFUGEE #3Heroic (nosebleeds)SEXY REFUGEE #1Sexy (practically panting)A day is had by an evil scientist and his nemesis.
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz & Perry the Platypus
Comments: 5
Kudos: 12





	frenemesis and the scriptwriter-inator

**Author's Note:**

  * For [eatenbythesystem](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eatenbythesystem/gifts).



> Many thanks to [Sadsnail](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sadsnail) for betaing! I'm sorry it took this long.

## 

  
“You’re caught in my trap once again Perry the Platypus!” Dr. Doofenshmirtz laughed maniacally.

Agent P glared at him from where he was trapped on the floor, his wrists and legs bound behind him by a rope. 

“You like it?” Dr. Doofenshmirtz asked with a smirk, eyebrows wiggling. “Very simple, I know, but sometimes it’s nice to go back to the classics, y’know?”

“Hey Dad. “ Vanessa entered, not looking up from her phone. “Are you bu—“

She looked up to see Agent P in his rumpled tealed suit, tied up and his father’s eyes bright with excitement.

“Nevermind!” she squeaked, backed out of the room. “Pretend I was never here!”

The door slammed close. Agent P facepalmed spiritually as his physical hands were still bound.

“That’s weird,” said Dr. Doofenshmirtz, oblivious.

“Now,” he began, “You might be wondering why I trapped you. You see Perry the Platypus when I was a young boy . . . “

Play Tragic Backstory #4327.

A German polka started playing at full blast from somewhere hidden in the wall. Dr. Doofenshmirtz, hurried to pull out the VHS hidden behind a secret panel in the wall.

“Sorry, wrong tape,” he apologized, ears red. Agent P made an _it’s okay_ noise. 

Dr. Doofenshmirtz coughed, replaced the tape and pressed PLAY.

fade in

A teenage HEINZ DOOFENSHMIRTZ in uniform walks along the edges of the field, shoulders slumped, thoroughly defeated. In his hand, he holds a folder thick with papers. 

DR. DOOFENSHMIRTZ (V.O)

I was a young college student of nineteen, studying for my Bachelor’s degree in Chemistry. Head held high and my amazing script proudly held in hand. I was gonna submit it to the Movielovers club of my university.

Cut to:

There’s a woman who primly sits behind a desk. The metal plate on it declares her the CLUB PRESIDENT. Behind her is a tarpaulin marked with the club’s logo – a stylized paper and a quill crossed in dramatic black lines. Heinz Doofenshmirtz shakily hands her the folder. She flips and reads through it very fast.

DR. DOOFENSHMIRTZ (V.O)

I’ve always had this passion for the film arts and I know I have the talent. Especially in scriptwriting. And so, I went to the place where I thought aspiring scriptwriters can grow and give ME the renown I deserve.

The Club President’s face changes from blank to disappointed to visibly disgusted. She leans away as if to distance herself from the trash she’s reading. Nonetheless, she continues to read through. She reads very fast. 

DR. DOOFENSHMIRTZ (V.O)

The Club President read through my work. And I could see on her face that she was so very impressed.

The Club President sighs after finishing reading. She returns the folder to Heinz Doofenshmirtz with a head shake. Heinz graciously accepts the paper and promptly falls to his knees in despair. He shouts dramatically to the ceiling. The script spontaneously combusts and turns to ashes. One of the club members hurriedly showers him with fire extinguisher foam. 

DR. DOOFENSHMIRTZ (V.O)

But she grew jealous! And rather than recognize talent, she schemed to have it burnt in order for the title as the best script writer in the school to remain hers! Heartbroken, I saw my masterpiece burnt and vowed never to write again. But I had a realization! Why should I let one hater stop me from realizing my dreams? So I present to you! THE— 

SMASHCUT TO:

## 

## 

  
“ – SCRIPTWRITER INATOR!” Dr. Doofenshmirtz screeched. He pulled the curtain with a flourish to reveal a very old-looking typewriter on top of a heavy-looking metal chassis with many complicated multi-colored buttons on almost every surface.

“With this machine, I can analyze every single award-winning script available on the internet and identify the most effective writing formula and produce the next masterpiece of the decade!” He laughed evilly. “The most irresistible Oscar-bait of the year!”

Agent P struggled harder in his bonds.

“Struggle all you want Agent P! You’ll never escape!” He rubbed his hands schemingly. He pushed a button shaped like the Oscar award. The lights on the inator started beeping madly, buttons pressing down on their own, papers being churned out by the typewriter in haste.

Agent P bared his teeth and began to writhe on the floor like a fish fresh out of water. Somehow, his bonds began to loosen.

“Impossible!” Dr. Doofenshmirtz gasped. Quickly, Agent P lunged and managed to tie Dr. Doofenshmirtz with the rope that was used to trap him.

“OH MY GOD!” Vanessa entered the room with a hand covering her eyes. “I’m so sorry, I just forgot my bag. Pause whatever it is you guys are doing for a minute.”

Silence filled the room beyond the occasional blind grasping Vanessa was doing around them. Finally, she found her bag, behind the sofa, and made her terrified and hasty escape.

“You’ll regret this!” Dr. Doofenshmirtz resumed his struggle. Agent P stuffed a bread he was saving for later in the scientist’s mouth. He was just about to press the self-destruct button when curiosity won him over. He grabbed the pile of paper spat out by the typewriter.

Curious, he opened a random page in the middle and read.

\---

On the bunk, the refugees huddle in a cramped space. Parnell enters the room surrounded by his usual brooding aura. He slides down the wall to sit in an attempt to sleep. 

RANDOM REFUGEE #1

Mr Parnell! Take my space instead

A single tear slides down the cheek of the heavily-muscled man. 

PARNELL

How could I possibly do that to you? You have a son and a wife, you need the space more than I.

SEXY REFUGEE #1

Oh! Oh! I think I’m gonna faint he’s just so – so -

SEXY REFUGEE #2

Handsome (swoons)

SEXY REFUGEE #3

Heroic (nosebleeds)

SEXY REFUGEE #1

Sexy (practically panting)

## 

## 

  
Agent P cut through Dr. Doofenshmirtz bonds with a swiss knife, releasing him. 

Dr. Doofenshmirtz grabbed the papers, his eyes scanning the pages hungrily. His bright eyes dimmed.

Without a word, he stood from the floor and pushed the self-destruct button. 

With great pleasure, Agent P sent the inator into space with his mini-rocket and watched it explode from a safe distance. 

He unfolded his glider and flew out of the building, deftly avoiding pieces of falling debris. He looked back. Dr. Doofenshmirtz was still standing there, shoulders slumped.

Feeling his heart clench, he turned his glider around.

He walked over and tapped the man on the shoulder.

“Oh, hey Perry. Did you forget something?” Dr. Doofenshmirtz asked with forced cheer. “Oh, I forgot, sorry. Curse you Perry the Platypus yadda-yadda.” He waved him away and began to turn back inside.

 _I can help you write your script, Perry signed._

Dr. Doofenshmirtz's eyes watered, visibly touched. “Really?”

Perry nodded with a kind smile.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz beamed.

 _Let’s have a walk outside, it helps with thinking_ , Perry signed.

“Wait a jiffy, Perry the Platypus. Let me change into my outdoor lab coat.”

_Okay, so_ , Perry signed and Dr. Doofenshmirtz watches his hands attentively, _it might be better, especially if it is your first time writing anything, to start small._

“You write, Perry the Platypus?” he asked, interested.

 _No_ , Perry admitted, _but I read a lot. Is that okay?_

“Yes, of course. Thank you for helping me.” Dr. Doofenshmirtz avoided his gaze.

They walked towards the Tri-State Park and found an empty bench shaded by a tree. Dr. Doofenshmirtz gestured for them to sit down.

 _So, ideas?_ Perry asked.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz fished out a notepad and pen from his lab coat, clicking the pen repeatedly but writing nothing.

 _Maybe, let’s decide what genre?_ Perry sighed.

The look on Dr. Doofenshmirtz’s face that said he had never thought of that.

 _What movies do you like?_ Perry asked.

The clicking of the pen grew in frequency. “I don’t actually pay that much attention to movies.”

 _You like science right?_ Perry realized. _How ‘bout that? Something sci-fi?_

Dr. Doofenshmirtz nodded and wrote something down. Leaning over, Perry could see he wrote with a double underline: Sci-fi????

Realizing that this endeavor might be more difficult than first thought (not that he actually thought it over, he was a bleeding heart through and through), Perry closed his eyes.

 _It’s difficult to think on an empty stomach. Let’s eat._

Perry took Dr. Doofenshmirtz into a little known resto at the less-explored part of town.

 _Welcome to Aunt Alma’s Adobo Place_ , he signed.

“Cozy place, I didn’t know there’s a place like this,” Dr. Doofenshmirtz remarked.

They seat themselves in a corner. The waitress recognized Perry immediately and clumsily signed to him, _The usual?_ _Two of the usuals, please_ , Perry requested

Turning to Dr. Doofenshmirtz chewing on his pen, he asked, _So what story ideas do you have?_

“Er. Uh. Mmmm.” He looked like a deer in the headlight.

 _Think back to something simple and classic_

“An underdog story is very simple and classic, no?” he cautiously put out.

Perry nodded, happy that at least there were ideas being shaped. The adobo and rice arrived, distracting them.

 _Think it over while we eat_ , Perry instructed.

They went back to Dr. Doofenshmirtz’s apartment in silence. Perry in concerned silence, Dr. Doofenshmirtz in frustrated silence. Every once in a while he would take out his notepad and scribble something.

Perry tapped his shoulder.

 _Movie marathon for inspiration?_ Perry suggested as he took out his phone and skimmed through the movies Candace downloaded for him.

“Forget it.” Dr. Doofenshmirtz exhaled sharply. “I was never going to be able to write something decent, anyway.” He turned away from Perry, pressing the elevator button harder than what was needed.

Perry tapped his shoulders once again. He didn’t like it when people turned their gaze away from him when he was communicating, and unconsciously a frown pulled at his lips.

 _It takes time_ , he signed.

“I’m sorry, that was rude of me, no?” Dr. Doofenshmirtz said, sheepish. Perry smiled. Against all odds, perhaps no one knew him better than Dr. Doofenshmirtz did.

“I should stick to what I do best, anyway. Evil and inventing. That’s the only thing I’m good at. And I’m not even that good at that!” He laughed.

Perry frowned. He thought it over and signed, _Hey, that’s my friend you’re talking about._

The self-consciousness that was weighing down Dr. Doofenshmirtz’s shoulders slid off for a bit. He turned away from him and this time there was nothing negative that rose from Perry.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz coughed, ears red. “Movie marathon for fun?”

When Vanessa came back the next morning, she happened upon a floor littered with trash of eaten pizza and ice cream. A teal haired man dozed on the couch, a blanket thrown around him. Her dad was in the kitchen making pancakes.

 _Good morning, Vanessa_ , her dad signed. _Be a little quiet, won't you, darling?_

 _Good morning_ , Vanessa signed back. _Then hesitantly asked, Had fun?_

Perry must never know she's trying to learn sign before she knew she had it down pat.

 _We had a movie marathon_. He beamed.

Vanessa joined him in the kitchen. _Hey, what coffee does Agent P like best? _Oh, he’s a tea drinker. There’s some in the upper left cupboard_. Her dad handed her a tray with three mugs._

 __

 __

Just a little later, Perry came stumbling into the kitchen. They ate breakfast and drank tea. Hopefully, today will be a good day as well.


End file.
